Living with Chronic Illness, Muscular Dystrophy, Periodic Paralysis, Celiac Disease, Migraine, Heart Disease, Diabetes

What Do We Find in the Sadness?

Maybe sadness is our gate to understanding.

Maybe sadness teaches us a lesson--to trust, to endure, to reach out, to be in the moment, even in the saddest moments.

Maybe it's better if we don't run from the sadness.

Maybe it's better if we sit together with the sadness and comfort it, and let it comfort us.

Maybe the point of sadness is to pass through the sadness and come out the other side and say, "Ah, here is the world again!"

We know sadness is a real thing, a natural thing, an unpleasant thing.

Maybe, just maybe, it' s almost a good thing.

Periodic Paralysis is Too Hard to Juggle

Since I got out of prison (or what some other people call "high school"), I did okay academically. I graduated near the top of my class from two colleges, and most people who meet me would think I'm smart enough to come in out of the rain. Still, there has got to be more to life than trying to figure out how to live with Periodic Paralysis, Migraine headaches and Celiac Disease. It can't all be about trying Trying TRYING to be smarter than these darned demons that follow me around. 

Periodic Paralysis Is Too Much

Heck, on a good day, I can barely keep up with the complex interaction of triggers and symptoms and weather and food and activity and sleep. Then, when I'm getting a migraine, getting over a migraine, going into a paralysis attack or coming out of an attack of weakness, or when I've accidentally poisoned myself with some hidden gluten, my brain turns to jello. During those spells, I can't remember so much as where I parked my motorcycle. Trying to keep everything else straight while walking and balancing sun glasses on my nose is out of the question.

Moving Beyond Periodic Paralysis and Trying too Hard

Maybe simple human kindness, all by itself, is enough. Maybe you can't ask anything more from me on a bad day. Heck, maybe simple human kindness is all I need to remember on a Good day. Maybe joy is enough, or ease. Maybe looking for ease, the easy way, the healthy way, the way that is good long term, the easy feeling that says, "Well, that's enough of that," or "That looks easy," is enough. 

I don't have the solution yet. But I do know that trying to hold everything in my head all at once doesn't work very well. Periodic Paralysis is just to hard to juggle.

Rodney Robbins Doesn't Think Straight

Thinking errors. While they can lead you into trouble, they are also classic symptoms of depression, low blood sugar, hormone problems and fatigue. We feel bad, our brains try to create a rational explanation, and we end up with delusional thinking that makes a bad situation even worse.

Rodney Robbins Thinking Errors

My two most common thinking errors are called Filtering and Discounting the Positive. Dr. David Burns explains these errors very well in his classic book, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy."

Filtering means combing through your experiences and focusing exclusively on the BAD things that happen to you. When my potassium drops, sometimes I'll dig up bad things I did waaaay back in middle school. My mind replays these events and tells me, "See? You suck! You've always sucked? What a frackin' jerk you are!" Is it rational to worry about events from 20 years ago? Things that were not nice to do but that were typical of lots of nasty little middle schoolers? My rational mind says no, but when I already feel bad, my depressed mind says, yes.

I'm also prone to Discounting the Positive. In the real world, I may have had two weeks of productive work, but when I have two "nearly worthless" days of weakness, suddenly all those good times don't matter any more. My mind says, "Yeah right. Two weeks of being barely normal. Oooo, that's impressive!" In those 2 days, I may have actually done a fair amount of work (in between resting and resting some more), but suddenly that doesn't count. Neither do the weeks of productive time. Is that rational? No. Does it feel rational when it's happening? Yes. 

Fight Back Against Thinking Errors

The first step is to notice the fatigue, illness, flatness or depression. Then be aware that thinking errors are lurking near by. When you notice them, test them against reality. Talk back to them. Make those thoughts earn their keep. Ask yourself if you might really just need a bit of patience, a few extra hours of sleep or a good meal. Consider you may have missed a dose or your medication, or that you need a bit extra today. Don't roll over and let these errors steam roll your life. Fight back!

Got a story about talking back to your thinking errors? Use the "Comments" link below and tell us about it.

Rodney Robbins--New Novel is Going Well

Rodney Robbins here--my new novel is going great. I'm on page 70 of "Celtomania." The book is a mystery about a real estate mogul and an anthropologist fighting over the tomb of an ancient king. It's good, spooky fun. It is a challenge to keep working and create a novel while dealing with multiple chronic illnesses. Just like you, I keep after it a little bit every day.

I do have a publisher lined up for this story. I do plan to turn the novel into an easy to stage, but surprisingly visual stage play. If you are into theater, you can read about my current play, a sexy, musical romp called "Big Feet, Big Love," by clicking here.

Take care.

Rodney Robbins, "My Secret Life."

1. Don’t tell anyone, but I have a history of crashing motor bikes. It started when I was little. I crashed a friend’s mini-bike when I panicked and pegged the throttle. Then I dropped a buddy’s bike in the parking lot after high school graduation because I dumped the clutch. Since I’m a slow learner, I also dropped my first motorcycle (a super-moto) and slid in the gravel and dropped my latest bike (a maxi-scooter) with my mom on the back.
2. I clip my nails so close, I have to polish the bones on the ends of my fingers.
3. While swimming at a lake one summer, I got caught in some weeds, and almost drowned because the exertion pushed me into a paralysis attack. That’s was a bad thing.
4. For me, the best time to write is early in the day when my brain is awake, but my body isn’t. That way, I’m too weak to get up or move anything but my fingers, so I might was well just sit there and type.
5. My biggest academic screw-up was failing out of senior English class after the first day. The teacher wanted to do a little "easy review," and I had no earthly idea what she was talking about. Why would I diagram a sentence? It’s not a house boat! Either the sentence says what you want it to say, or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, change the darned thing! I think God invented English grammar to give people with OCD something to worry about.
6. The stupidest thing I ever did was to provoke paralysis attacks to get back at my doctor--and then not go to the ER.
7. The biggest pain in my backside is not being able to eat wheat! No bread. No gravy. No fried chicken. No cookies, crackers, rolls or pastry unless it’s made by Gluten Free elves and blessed by Saint Honorius (patron saint of bakers). I still eat out, but I think every waiter and waitress in North Carolina has heard my entire medical history and food allergy list at least once.
8. I’m not a bad actor, but my stillness works better on film than on stage.
9. Whining gives me headaches. Red wine gives me migraines. The whine of a 1,400 cc four cylinder motorcycle engine gives me tickets.
10. In my entire life, I don’t think I ever beat my father at a shooting match. Not once. Pistols or rifles--he was the best. If he was still here today, I’d let him win one more time.

Rodney Robbins--Living with Periodic Paralysis

Hello, Periodic Paralysis, my old friend. Haven't seen you in awhile. I can't say I'm suprised to see you today--I've felt you lurking 'round these parts lately. Come in (not that I have any choice). Tea? I know it was cold yesterday, and that's probably why you stopped in. Yes, yes, and wet, and you've not been sleeping well I see. I'm much the same, you know. We are much the same, you and I, what you do affects me, and what I do affects you. Isn't that always the way?  Of COURSE you can use my sofa ... what are friends for? Here you go, Periodic Paralysis, my old friend, have a blanket. Maybe when we wake up, we can watch a bit of television together. Rest a bit, then be off with you, I mean, and when you feel better, you can be on your way.